Hello,
I hope you’re well.
It brings me a great deal of pleasure to announce that there is finally a good version of the play Hamlet by William Shakespeare.
it’s called Tristan Wheeler's Hamlet.
I know what you’re thinking — “This is awesome and I’m into it 100%” — but it’s not all awesome, so please temper your reaction.
There is a bit of pain mixed in with the jubilation this news brings.
I take no joy in dethroning the immortal bard, but I also must heed the call of fate even if it is hard.
Over the next several editions of Cutup: A Newsletter, I will be releasing my version of Hamlet act by act.
But before we begin, some background information is in order.
This was a project I started when the COVID-19 pandemic first started back in the spring of 2020. I worked on it tirelessly for weeks but eventually abandoned it due to being in a pandemic.
But for you, dear reader, I will be picking this project up once again and finishing it.
That is all the background information.
I’m excited to share with you all Act I of Tristan Wheeler’s Hamlet for the first time ever.
ACT I
Scene I
Enter Marcellus and Bernardo on the ramparts of the castle.
BERNARDO: Wow, this is great.
MARCELLUS: What is?
BERNARDO: Being up out here in the night, being a guard.
MARCELLUS: Yes I agree, it is nice.
A ghost appears.
BERNARDO: Woah, what the fuck, do you see that?
MARCELLUS: What?
BERNARDO: That!
MARCELLUS: Is that a g-g-g-g-g-g-goo pile?
BERNARDO: No, it’s a ghost!
Marcellus jumps into Bernardo’s arms. Bernardo’s knees clack together.
BERNARDO AND MARCELLUS: Horatio!!!!!
Enter Horatio, handsome with a Roman nose that some would say is too prominent, but others would say is way too prominent.
HORATIO: What’s wrong?
BERNARDO: There’s a ghost up here!
MARCELLUS: What if it grabs us and drags us into its ghost lair?
HORATIO: Well I’ll be. That is a ghost. And wouldn’t you know it? It sort of looks like that old shit bag of a king we used to have.
BERNARDO: I think it sort of looks more like the ghost of Mickey Rourke.
HORATIO: Mickey Rourke is still alive. It could be the ghost of Gene Hackman though.
BERNARDO AND MARCELLUS: He’s not dead either, just retired.
HORATIO: Right. However, I’m fairly certain it looks like the ghost of our old king. We should tell young prince Hamlet about this.
MARCELLUS: Yes, that’s a great idea. That’s what I was saying.
BERNARDO: By the way, it’s so cool we’re all good friends.
They all exit.
Scene II
Claudius, Gertrude, Laertes, Polonius and Hamlet enter. It’s the court of the king.
CLAUDIUS: Hello, as many of you have noticed, I am now the king of Denmark due to reasons that have little, or nothing, to do with me.
POLONIUS: Damn right!
CLAUDIUS: And as a matter of fact, I’m now married to my dead brother’s wife, which is also super normal.
POLONIUS: Fuck yeah it is. Damn Claudius, you are truly a king, as well as being a king. King shit! You dropped this king! haha! Hey everyone! Give it up for Claudius!
Everyone sheepishly nods.
LAERTES: Claudius, my king, I would like to please leave now. My feet are starting to hurt and my skin is dry due to being in this dusty old court.
CLAUDIUS: Works for me. Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.
LAERTES: (whispering) Hey King Claudius
CLAUDIUS: (whispering) uh, yes?
LAERTES: (whispering) please don’t joke about doors hitting me. It makes me nervous.
CLAUDIUS: Uh, okay. Well. Goodbye, I guess?
Laertes leaves.
CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, my son! Sport! Buddy! How’s it hanging? (baby voice) Feeling a widdle sad from the mysterious death of your daddy?
Claudius laughs at his joke.
HAMLET: Yes
CLAUDIUS: Actually yeah, that’s fair.
HAMLET: It just sucks so much, like how could my father have mysteriously died? Like he was so happy. Who could have accidentally shot themself in the dick that many times?
CLAUDIUS: The Lord works in mysterious ways. I just want you to know you don’t have to call me Claudius. Call me dad, poppy, pops or Dadi Claudi!
GERTRUDE: Hamlet, don’t worry. This is what your father wanted.
HAMLET: Will do. I’m just super bummed is all. Do we still have those Toblerones?
CLAUDIUS: I ate those last night.
HAMLET: Awe man.
Exit Claudius and Gertrude and Polonius. Hamlet kicks his feet around.
HAMLET: Maybe I should go join my dad. To my own self be true and shoot myself in the dick until I die. But I don’t want to be with my dad in Hell, one of the worst places other than Sparwood, B.C.
The audience erupts in clapping and laughter at this hilarious reference to real life.
HAMLET: Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind! Hey, I don’t write this stuff, I just say it. Hey, why don’t we give a hand to Tristan Wheeler, the writer of this play?
The applause rises in fervour. Tristan stands up and bows at his praise. The applause dies down.
Enter Marcellus, Bernardo, and Horatio.
HORATIO: Hamlet, we saw something that looked like the ghost of your father on the ramparts of the castle!
BERNARDO: It also could be the ghost of Mickey Rourke or Gene Hackman!
MARCELLUS: Yeah, we didn’t really agree on what it could be, even though both of those guys are still alive.
HAMLET: If this is true, you must take me there right now!
Exit Hamlet, Bernardo, Marcellus and Horatio.
Scene III
Enter Laertes into his room. He hears his father coming so he quickly hides his dirty magazine under his bed
Enter Polonius and Ophelia.
LAERTES: Well, I’m off to go back to school. I’ll miss you, father and sister.
POLONIUS: We will miss you as well my son. We’ll be sure to clean your room so it is spotless for your arrival.
LAERTES: That’s nice of you, but please don’t bother. It’s such a mess, I would feel bad making you clean it up.
POLONIUS: We really don’t mind, right Ophelia? We’ll clean every inch, even underneath the mattress!
OPHELIA: Anything for my brother!
LAERTES: Please don’t. Really.
POLONIUS: We insist!
LAERTES: No seriously, please don’t.
POLONIUS: Seriously, it is fine.
LAERTES: It’s best if you just leave it alone, I think that’s best for me personally.
POLONIUS: We will clean it, it’s okay! Let’s start right now
LAERTES: Don’t you touch a fucking thing! dad. I’m going to France and you aren’t poking around my personal items. But, if you do! Just know that I actually read it for the naked photos — gah!!! — I mean the sexual thrill — urgh!!! — I mean for the saucy letters — shit!!! — I MEAN FOR THE INTERVIEWS WITH TIMOTHY LEARY.
Exit Laertes.
OPHELIA: Father, I love Hamlet and I think he loves me too.
POLONIUS: That’s nice
(aside) They try! Oh, how they try!
Do whatever honey, I don’t really give a shit.
Exit Polonius and Ophelia.
Scene IV
Enter Hamlet, Marcellus, Bernardo and Horatio on the ramparts of the castle.
MARCELLUS: So this is where we saw the ghost.
BERNARDO: Maybe it was a very pale person?
The ghost appears.
HAMLET: Holy shit, that’s my mysteriously dead dad! Hey! Dad! It’s me, your son!
The ghost disappears. Hamlet runs off after it.
HORATIO: I’m getting the feeling this is bad for Hamlet, this whole seeing a ghost and having someone’s uncle become his stepfather thing.
BERNARDO: Now that you mention it, it is kind of weird.
HORATIO: Yeah, I’m very not stoked.
Scene V
Enter the ghost and Hamlet.
HAMLET: Father! Is that you?
GHOST: Literally who else could it be?
HAMLET: I guess it could -
GHOST: There’s no one else who it could conceivably be, of course, it’s me.
HAMLET: Okay, you don’t need to be rude… But oh god, it’s so good to see you dad! I’ve missed you so much! Did you miss me?
GHOST: A little.
HAMLET: Oh.
GHOST: I’ve come to tell you the truth of my death. I was killed by my pissant of a brother Claudius. He’s the one who shot me in the dick.
HAMLET: I just knew it was weird when you mysteriously died and he quickly married my mother to become the king.
GHOST: Listen, what I need you to do is kill Claudius. Do it however you want. Poison him, shoot him in the dick maybe. Throw a grenade at him. It’s up to you.
HAMLET: Oh god, do I have to?
GHOST: Of course you have to.
HAMLET: Why?
GHOST: I don’t know what other reason I have to give except that he literally murdered your dad and is now married to your mom.
HAMLET: Okay, yes, that’s true
Exit ghost. Enter Marcellus, Bernardo and Horatio.
BERNARDO: (to Marcellus) If Hamlet is killed by a slender man, we’re so fucked.
HORATIO: Hamlet, what happened? Did you speak to the ghost?
HAMLET: Uh yeah, so, let’s just say I saw some weird stuff.
MARCELLUS: What did you see?
HAMLET: I’m not too interested in saying, but can we make a deal? Between the three of us?
BERNARDO, MARCELLUS, HORATIO: Yes.
HAMLET: I’m going to start getting weird. Like really weird. Like crazy weird. And I’ll need you’ll to just be cool with that. And not tell anyone about what happened up here. It’s all part of my plan.
HORATIO: How weird?
HAMLET: Like 2012 internet weird.
MARCELLUS: Oh damn.
HAMLET: Now, do we all agree?
HORATIO, MARCELLUS, BERNARDO: Yes, we all agree to this situation that entails you acting weird and crazy based on what has happened tonight. We also vow to not tell anyone about what happened.
HAMLET: Okay, good.
Exit all but Hamlet.
HAMLET: Awe man, this sucks. This really does suck. I don’t want to murder anyone. I don’t wanna! But I have to because my stupid dad says I do. Why doesn’t he ever kill Claudius? It’s his dumb fault in the first place. This sucks.
Exit Hamlet.
Thank you for reading.